displaced aggression...

I learned this term at least 25 years ago - dad comes home from a bad day at work and kicks the dog - clearly the dog did nothing ~ this is an obvious situation of displaced aggression...

A sweet friend faces a devastating loss, the loss of a child - the tears threaten to consume me, but instead of allowing the pain to flow through me - I 'compose' myself. As I work to keep all of this pain at bay, I am manic, I clean and organize, do laundry - I accomplish the work of 6 people in one day. The next morning, I attack my day with the same fervor, only now, stay out of my way - I'm not only efficient, I'm getting mean - I snap and bark, I am truly horrible ~ and I know it ~ but I feel powerless to be reasonable - the physical and emotional exertion is exhausting...

Later that evening - I cannot push back the images so I go to my computer ~ reading the message of the loss I tried to not let in ~ and then reading it again, I could no longer keep it out and this loss makes its way in to the center of my heart, breaking it and my 'composure'. Crying with me, my family grieves for our friends and forgives me. My aggression is gone...

My dad calls, he is now home from the hospital, but has another day of tests ~ and I didn't even know there had been a problem. It seems he had several symptoms of a heart attack - WHAT?!? "Gee dad, you should tell me when you have a heart attack!!" Of course, by this time he had assured me that the doctors confirmed that is was NOT a heart attack, but I didn't want to camp on the possibility for even a minute - so, with another favorite 'coping' tactic, I made light, made jokes - and kept it out ~ maintaining my composure of course.

The morning of his tests I woke up with determination - I was tired from fighting back the emotions the night before, trying to give this to God and just trust Him - but, I was off to the races. Laundry, to do lists, polishing everything in my kitchen - and of course, the challenge within me to be reasonable.

I began to recognize this losing battle with reason and managed to get the kids safely out the door - but my poor husband didn't escape - I yelled at him for something stupid, and even as the words were coming out of my mouth I was thinking "why am I doing this?" ~ it was all over quickly and then he left for his day - to his credit, he called and apologized - he didn't know what happened, but he was sorry we had a fight - and although I still didn't realize what happened either, I knew that it was my fault...

Early that afternoon, my step mom called to tell me that all was well, the tests were great and there is no reason to worry about my dad's heart ~ relief washed over me, and the aggression was gone...

I'm starting to see a pattern, could there be more ~ and I know the answer...

Confessing my sins - for real and in all its ugliness

As I dig in to the book of Proverbs with one friend and the book of Ecclesiastes with another, I have been sincerely crying out to God to reveal sin in my life ~ to create in me a clean heart. But guess what - it hurts...

As I see areas of struggle, budding seeds of bitterness, struggles with discontentment -I now see that I resist, I fight to 'compose' myself and not feel the pain. I see the concept, try to give a quick "oh ya, I kinda do that, please forgive me..." Let me tell you, this doesn't work.

Glossing over what God is revealing creates restlessness, I find it hard if not impossible to read and comprehend His word and I become irritable and impatient (my poor family),

But, with the patience of good friends I begin to see patterns in my topic of conversation, in my questions seeking understanding - and yet again, God is patiently placing before me another look at my struggles ~ and through all of this I gain undeniable clarity and He gives me the strength I need to truly face the sin, and to confess it fully to Him ~ and the restlessness leaves and the aggression is gone...

I could have titled this "my poor family" - or, "the many ineffective ways to avoid pain" ~ but looking back over many years, I can see this is what I do. I try to avoid the pain, but now ~what I don't want to forget? - It's still there and it reveals its self in the form of displaced aggression.

God gives us so much - and so much of it I eagerly accept - I guess it's time I stop trying to ignore this part, to stop kidding myself with my so-called coping mechanisms, and face the pain, the pain of loss, the pain of fear, the pain of conviction - and then He can heal, He can comfort and He can forgive - and the aggression in me will be gone...

do you know what you are sowing...

"Wow, you are so patient to wait for your husband to get that project completed, I could never be so patient...." The Seed: Discontentment (Ya honey, when are you going to get this done - now that I think about it, I DO care!

"So, what is that music you have playing? Ya, I've never really gotten in to that group..." The Seed: Bitterness (Thanks a lot - I thought we were friends - why would you say that?)

"Cute pacifier, I never allowed my children to have one, I don't like them or they don't need them..." The Seed: Doubt (Maybe I DON'T know what I'm doing...)

You've decided to do WHAT with your child's education? You are having HOW many (few) children? You allow them to eat, don't let them have... The Seeds: Doubt, Bitterness, Discontentment - and more -

"I really admire that you work, I could never leave my kids like that..." The Seed: Doubt or Discontentment (If only my husband made enough to support us - or maybe I am a bad mom)

"I can't believe all that you do for your husband, I could never be married to someone like that..." The Seed: Discontentment (No kidding, I shouldn't be such a doormat - I should put my foot down and demand my rights!)

"I used to think you were...., but now I really like you..." The Seeds: Doubt or Bitterness - and most likely, heartbreak or humiliation...

"Nice skirt, I tried that on and decided they pretty much don't look good on anyone..."

WHAT?!?!?! Was that a compliment? Then why do I feel so lousy?!

I didn't make up any of these comments and I routinely hear Christians make remarks like these to one another. Often an insult dressed in a compliment - but not always! I have no idea why this has become so acceptable, and it seems prevalent in all circles - But WOW ~ it can be so extremely demoralizing and often really tears people down ~ and because it can be subtle, I think sometimes people don't even know why they feel so bad, just a small dose of poison...

In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise. Proverbs 10:19

Maybe this applies in this situation, maybe it is not always a person who articulates themselves with many words for a single thought, but rather someone who doesn't seem to hesitate to speak ~often ~ and about everything ~ who has an answer or a comment at the ready, who routinely interrupts or rewords things for another person - or someone who voices their opinion without the benefit of a 'filter' - without a pause to consider the damage they may do by voicing their unsolicited advice, commentary or thinly veiled criticism... I even think maybe these people are often blissfully unaware...

But ~ ignorance does not absolve one of the guilt. So I would ask ~ if you are someone who eagerly shares your opinions and comments - do you know what you are sowing????

lessons from our children....

When I think of the countless things that have molded me in to who I am, the things that have revealed strengths and weaknesses, when I contemplate all of the influences in my life, I can think of nothing that has impacted me in more profound ways than the lives of my children.

My first child, beautiful and truly the model 'baby', pulled me fully in to adulthood in a way nothing else could - a life completely dependent on me. Never before have I been more overwhelmed by my mortality because I was faced full on with the reality of hers.

Eventually, our family grew to 4 beautiful children with 4 completely different personalities - funny, studious, quiet, gentle, kind..... on and on I could go ~ but of course there was ornery, stubborn, impatient, outspoken.....

There is no set way to train this diverse group of people, no single communication style, no set 'perfect discipline', each needs a custom parenting style, each has a different set of strengths and weaknesses, different circumstances and challenges...

As we strive to meet the needs of our children, to rise to the challenges of raising and nurturing the beautiful souls entrusted to us for such a brief time, we learn so much about ourselves. Our weaknesses are revealed and so are our strengths - our children often mirror our attitudes, if not magnify them! And oh boy! what we may see!!!

Have you ever seen an enthusiastic Hawkeye fan - who is all of 4 years old?? Where do you think he gets this? Seriously, I doubt he has personally formed opinions on the offensive line up, or the defense strategies used by the Iowa Hawkeye football coaches - no, he mirrors and adopts, forms an allegiance - even falls in love with that which his parents love, those who his parents follow - it's obvious where the parents stand and you know, this kid will be an inexplicably faithful fan - probably until the day he dies - what an image!

So, can you imagine if his dad was this in love with his Lord and Savior?! If his family surrounded themselves with His word, planned parties and events to honor and celebrate Him - if He was associated with great joy and blessings - can you imagine if a child so fell in love with their Lord that they have no memory of not feeling this way - and when anyone came in to contact with this child, they knew - they knew where his allegiance lies, to whom his heart was devoted? can you imagine? - what an image!

To become the parents our children need, we must be stretched and we must grow, we must be humbled and we must be strengthened and lifted up ~ but most of all, we must be deeply and truly in love with our Lord and Savior. God gave us this task, he most certainly will equip us for it ~ and it seems that He also uses the very children entrusted to us to be a source of growth in us - how very grateful I am for the wonderful lessons we learn from our children <3