come back...

tonight my heart aches for a man who is walking his wife through a tremendous journey ~ I know a little of this, but have no claims on knowing his anguish ~ some watch a journey of fear, others - sadness and some just walk peacefully along - perhaps these words were given to me for you...

come back!

brenda vandersee

who is that man before me

with grandpa's hands and face

who speaks of things he thinks he sees

memories of me? not a trace

not good-bye, but not hello

not gone, but not with me

i miss him so, he doesn't know

in his mind, what does he see?

oh, come back! i want to scream

but you're not gone, you're here

so far away - i miss you so

can you sense that i am near?

~~~~~~~

you sang to me and held me close

your voice so soft and kind

i gaze in to your gentle eyes

but memories you can't find

oh grandma you have left us too

but your frail hand i still hold

i trust our loving, sovereign God

your story being told

come back! i cry, sometimes you do

and what a precious gift

you said "i love you" to my mom

what a treasure ~ what a fit

~~~~~~~

oh sister, friend, dear husband, wife

as long as you draw breath

your loving God has plans for you

a life that still has depth

we love you so and will not leave

your side as you press on

to live the life He gives to you

to lift a pleasing song

the journey that's before you

is the greatest that i know

may your Savior stay close by your side

wherever you may go

come back! to me one day you will

we'll meet again in glory

until that day i'll be with you

as you finish your earthly story

lost....

may these words be a call to take a stand against complacency, and may I challenge you to ask God to search your heart, and if it is present, that He reveal to you the sin of indifference, pride or anything that stands between you and the truth of your passion for Him and His....

lost

brenda vandersee

To know Him more each day I strive

His presence I desire

To hear His voice and feel Him near

Ignites a holy fire 

To proclaim what I have learned

To any who will hear

To share the fellowship I’ve known

My joy complete as more draw near 

~~~~~~

Glitz and glam but still decay,

For some this world holds charm

To compromise and fit right in

Only brings them harm 

This hungry world so seeks to fill

An empty aching soul

People things and worldly cures

Just dig a deeper hole

Their destiny ~ destruction

Their glory is their shame

They set their eyes on earthly things

But they don't know his name 

~~~~~~~

Schedules filled, such busy lives

So many ways to boast

Church and sports and phd’s

To ourselves we toast 

The saved are lost without a clue

Why that thirst is never quenched

You know the rules and words to say

But in pride remain entrenched

Gossip in the name of prayer

So eager to put down

Baggy clothes or tattooed arms

Your disapproving frown

Your destiny ~ destruction

Your glory is your shame

You justify your compromise

You claim to know his name

~~~~~~~

Wake up lost saved it’s not too late

As long as you draw breath

To live a life that honors Him

And leads others from their death 

Not just busy hands and moving lips

But hearts that overflow

With a knowledge and relationship

So deep one truly knows 

Forget your past achievements

Leave credentials at the door

A student ‘til the day you die

Or a disciple you are no more 

Oh, my brethren, whom I love

You are my joy and crown

This is how you should stand firm

And make His name renown 

Search His word with all your heart

And seek Him every day

Grow until the day you die

And you won’t lose your way 

See the lost through His eyes

Of compassion, truth and love

Draw these lonely souls to Christ

To the treasures of above 

You have a future and a hope

A reason why you’re here

To live a life that draws them in

Have a love that holds them near 

To fulfill your calling on this earth

You must be set apart

So they will know you from the rest

Because you have His heart 

Not a destiny of destruction

But a future with our King

Set your eyes on Jesus

Rise up on eagles wings 

The day is near, birth pains are close

We must be true and strong

Stand firm proclaim His holy Word

With lives that sing His song

inspired by the words of paul and the heart of john....

One King

The repetition of the message of Christ begins in the garden, continues in the tabernacle in the wilderness and comes to pass at the cross - the images repeating yet transforming....

The song is performed by Point of Grace ~ I wrote this poem in hopes of communicating even greater depth in the beautiful chorus..

One King

 brenda vandersee

Hammered to perfection, pure gold

and seven branches

illuminate the Holy Place

of love and second chances

Fueled by pure oil this lampstand burns

but only if attended

early morning and every night

by those who've been selected

It burns to make the dark place light

it burns so one can see

the show bread of His presence

a sign of what will be

Anointed priests move deeper still

in to this holy place

to the alter of the incense

they long to see His face

From the alter of atonement

a coal is used to light

a pleasing fragrance to their God

intersession for their plight

<<<<<<<>>>>>>>

Perfection beaten for my sin

blood shed to set me free

to see and live and be a light

His Spirit the fuel in me

The Bread of Life is all I need

anointed by His grace

the veil torn in two, down on my knees

I too will seek His face

Confess my sins, lift up my voice

in love and true repentance

on this alter sanctified

I lift a pleasing fragrance

<<<<<<<>>>>>>>

From the splendor and the beauty

deep inside the Holy Place

to the cross of my dear Savior

who died to take my place

God shows His love and mercy

in countless, brilliant ways

but maybe none so tender

as we see His Son as just a babe

<<<<<<<>>>>>>>

Three men who knew a king was born

three men we're told were wise

fell down before this child, their King

this child who was born to die

One king held the frankincense

the fragrance of our need

One king held the myrrh for Him

anointing oil for this boy, our King

One king held pure gold

for this Lampstand in our dark place

but the night they fell and worshiped Him

these men saw God's own face....

One King - from Point of Grace

am i hiding in the garden....

I only have memories of being astonished that Adam and Eve could be so foolish as to think they could possibly hide from God ~ but lately I've been trying to find the message for me in these 'ridiculous' and 'obvious' stories.  Last night as I was drifting off to sleep ~ this question popped in to my mind ~ Am I hiding in the garden....

Am I Hiding in the Garden

Am I hiding in the garden
trying to cover up my shame?
Do I respond to His loving voice
when He calls to me by name?

Am I hiding in the garden
each day I spend away
from His perfect word and fellowship
and the times that I should pray?

Am I hiding in the garden
when my sins I still deny
with shallow, careless, empty prayers
that perpetuate more lies?

Am I hiding in the garden
when I hold on to a grudge
stand my ground and justify
the reasons I won't budge?

Am I hiding in the garden
in the busyness of life
trading peace and fellowship
for vain pursuits and strife?

Am I hiding in the garden
still listening to the snake
my love and peace and fellowship
he strives each day to take?

Confess my sins!  Call out to God
and let His heel crush
the lies that keep me hiding here
underneath this brush!

I've learned a precious lesson
from Adam and his wife
Stay close to God and never doubt
I need Him in my life

Are you hiding in the garden?
Cry out to God and see
your loving Father waits for you
and He will set you free!

tangled...

tangled in my whirling thoughts
not knowing what to do
fearing failure, time flying by
each day an older you

sweet child of mine, i've done my best
to train you all i know
to love and live in righteousness
so to Him you'll always go

you trip, i gasp, i fear i've failed
panic grips my heart
reminded again, not mine but His
a priceless work of art

tangled in my whirling thoughts
the devil smells my fears
dropped to my knees i ask and pray
my prayers i know He hears

back in the game i guide again
i'll coach you every day
still in my care He's trusted me
to guide you to His way

you see, you learn, it finally clicks
your heart continues to grow
each challenge that He gives us
is so that we can know

when tangled in our whirling thoughts
we must kneel down and pray
we both will grow and be shaped more
like His son each day

dear friend...

To lose someone we love can create a storm of emotions in our hearts ~ whether gone Home or moved away ~ in the best of circumstances or the worst ~ the pain and heartache can cloud our vision, obscure truth and hold us captive....

dear friend ~ I pray for your clear view of God and your absolute freedom in Christ....

dear friend...

Hurt and broken, you shed angry tears
Who or what feeds all of these fears

You speak of our God, your prayers and His peace
But these bitter tears do not seem to cease

I know that you struggle, you must learn to let go
Forgiveness, not anger is what you must sow

History shows us that heroes will rise
Kindness and wisdom ~ no wrong in our eyes

We love them and trust them and give them our heart
Knowing, yet forgetting ~ one day we may part

Isaiah has shown us great men can out-shine
Our full view of God, if at the wrong time

Although we are weak, our God knows what's best
Moving them on, so in Him we'll rest

I miss you, dear friend, but his timing is right
He's called us to battle, and this is His fight

Pushed away from our friends, but drawn near to our Lord
He fights these tough battles with the Truth of His Sword

Sisters and friends in Christ you can trust
I love you, dear friend ~ He told us ~ we must

This very day I am praying like Paul
That God give you wisdom to soon see this all

Trust Him and love Him, dear friend ~ let Him heal
your heart and your spirit ~ His power is real

One day soon, I do pray, you'll know peace ~ deep and true
Until that day comes, I'll be praying for you....

In the day King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord.... Isaiah 6:1a

traps and snares...

A good trapper must have many devices ~ cages, nets, ropes are just a few~ the method of choice varying based on the prey and the surroundings, the trapper must know his prey, how to lure him and how to best conceal any trace of himself and his trap, often using things from his prey's environment to best fool his victim.

The spiritual world is certainly far more complex than the worst wilderness or jungle ~ As a Christian I should be well trained to avoid snares and traps so that I will not be taken captive ~ but sometimes I think we are fooled by our surroundings, distracted by the bait, dulled by our hunger, weakened by old wounds...

Hurt feelings, a broken heart, a quarrel with a friend, tension in a marriage, loneliness, shame, illness, selfishness, pride, regret, fear or doubt, guilt and insecurities ~ can dull our senses, weaken our judgement and even be used to snare us ~ just a little of this and a little of that, and we might not even see it coming, fooled by the camouflage...

A well run home, community and church involvement, business success, lives engrossed in our children, hobbies or spouses ~ even our own eagerness to deny a problem's existence can all camouflage the building materials being used to slowly lure us in to captivity.

No one is contained by a single bar in a prison wall, nor bound by a short length of rope ~ it can be so easy to be unconcerned when the first few are dropped in place, or a few scraps of rope are scattered about ~ just look another direction, focus on your busyness and things seem fine ~ but one day, when the last couple of bars are dropped in place ~ we're trapped, suddenly captive and bound and not knowing how we got there...

We may grab hold of the bars, determined to break through the iron strength from our fear regarding money, health, children or marriage, or grasp at the ropes of loneliness, doubt, regret and guilt that bind us ~ or we may drop to our knees desperate to dig out of the mud and mire of our bitter and angry thoughts, those justifiable arguments we so self-righteously clung too ~ wondering why we are trapped, how could we be captive to just one little thing...

It is easy to be pleased that there are no bars to form a prison wall in your life while ignoring the ropes that snake in to bind you ~ so likely to sleep soundly when you look at your busy, seemingly unbound hands, when the muck and the mire build in your heart from the bitter, self-righteous, judgemental thoughts, you know, just the ones that are justified...

How easily we can be lured in, watching for one trap, being caught by another...

Drawn in pride, bound by lies, stuck in the muck of our own futile or ugly thoughts ~ we can find ourselves prisoners in this supernatural war ~ we don't have the strength to break through the bars, nor the wisdom to untie the binds and we have no ability to cleanse the muck that holds us down ~ we need our Savior

If you've looked on every side and see the bars that hold you in, if you've raised your hands only to find them bound, if you scratch and you dig seeking a way out of the mess - STOP ~

Look up to see the way of escape, raise your hands in confession and He will break the ties that hold you captive, repent of your sins and he will cleanse the muck that holds you down, surrender to Him and he will raise you from your cell ~ learn from Him and He will train you to walk on the path free from snares...

slaying dragons

How much do I weigh to day
how do you think I look?
Should it really matter?
Let's consult another book

Self-esteem, personal pride
it's time to put yourself first
You deserve a break today,
no wait, you'll only look worse

Eat more ~ eat less ~ I'll never get this right
Hit the gym
~weigh in
~~man my jeans are tight

Think about it, plan ahead
never let it go
Wear a baggy sweater,
maybe it won't show

You can do this ~ you can fix it
make this weight loss snappy
then finally you'll be so slim
just maybe you'll be happy

Really?! Truly?! do I believe this?
Absolutely NO!
Peace and joy and a walk so strong
I've got to let this go!

My body is His temple
to glorify His name
my fears and insecurities
are only to His shame

A steward of this holy place
is what I am to be
In my choices honor Him
and I will be set free!

Nourish my soul in His word
morning noon and night
then caring for my body
will no longer be a fight

Thank you Father for the truth and strength
found only in Your word
A faithful servant I will be
Your message I have heard

Each day, each hour and every thought
I give my life to You
Destroy this idol that lives in me
restore my heart and make me new

The accuser had me for a moment
broken bruised and shattered
You slayed this dragon in my life so I could
remember all that mattered

I am Yours, loved and saved
and here for just a season
To tell the world of Your gift of love
You gave for Your own reason

Idols gone and strength restored
Your mercies know no end
With all my heart I thank You God ~
my Savior and my Friend

a moment with God...

One step
~One slip
~~One trip
~~~One tumble
In to a great abyss I stumble
Moments ago so sure and clear,
How did this happen?
Why am I here?

Never
~Never
~~ Never again
Yet here I am ~ wondering when
~When did I slip?
~~What did I do?
All that I want
~is to be close to You.

Your dear servant Job knew just what to say
~and I remember, Your way is not my way

The heat of this fire is removing the dross
The pain that I suffer will not be a loss
Impurities gone, this saint more refined,
More valuable than gold, this servant will shine

The pain and the strain that I'm feeling this day
Are the chisels and blows of the Potter to His clay
Making and moulding this servant He loves
To be wise as a serpent ~ but gentle as a dove

Not a failure but a trial -
the accuser's a liar!
I welcome the trustworthy
Refiner's fire!

Fooled no more by life's discomfort and pain
These trails and hardships shall end as my gain

Stepping and climbing
~Gaining more ground
A moment with God
~Has turned me around!

No more smoke, just the fire
Such brilliant light
I will rest in His comfort
Find strength in His might

This journey continues from glory to glory
Each one will have his own unique story

Thank you my Father for the gift of Your Son
Continue to shape me 'til my work here is done

buried alive...

Digging deeper on very personal matters as encouraged in a bible study entitled "Living Beyond Yourself" by Beth Moore I have been challenged time and time again to consider how things really are compared to how I have believed them to be ~ to soul search and be completely honest -and I have prayed that God would not give me peace if I was missing something ~ request granted...

From childhood forward I have learned certain coping mechanisms - ways to handle or deal with pain or disappointment ~ and many instances, maybe even most - I do handle things head on, I generally have a healthy perspective and can put a difficult situation to rest - for good...

But sometimes the wound is so painful or so deep, I can't bring myself to look at it - sometimes I'd rather forget it than face it~ so I just bury it ~ and I've now I've come to realize ~ I bury it alive...

God knew the trials and heartache I would face before He created me, He knows what I need in my life to shape and mould me in to who I am supposed to be ~ knowing this, I can now see how damaging my denial has been ~ failing to even admit to myself that I've been hurt leaves me weakened and vulnerable and unable to find proper perspective in certain relationships...

Having come to this realization, I must confess to the pain of rejection I have faced, I must stop trying to obtain approval from others as though this will bring me peace on the matter ~ what I have buried alive I must briefly unearth so that I may end its life and remove its power once and for all...

I will have scars indeed, but I will treasure every battle wound in the name of freedom ~ freedom in Christ ~ freedom for unhindered growth and fellowship ~ freedom to continue to make new discoveries about my Savior ~ freedom to experience unsurpassed joy - no matter my circumstances ~ freedom from having my very soul, buried alive...

and they will know we are Christians by our (supernatural) love...

Eros ~ intimate love, love between a man and wife; philos~ friend love, and affection toward another, often grown from similar or common interests - both called love in the English language - both come with emotion and both are within our grasp - even in our own strength...

but agape ~ this love is so much more, this love is described with 15 different attributes ~ this is the love in 1 Corinthians 13, this is the love that bears witness to the work of the Holy Spirit in us, the love we are commanded to give to our brothers and sisters in Christ, all of our brothers and sisters in Christ, and this is the love that we are commanded to love our God - agape love - with all our heart, with all our mind and with all our soul, and this is the love that God so loved us with that He gave us His Son ~ but this love is not attainable in our own strength ~ this is a supernatural love, a love that can exist only by the power and leading of the Holy Spirit in us ~

Agape is patient ~ agape is kind ~ agape does not envy ~ agape does not boast ~ agape is not proud ~ agape is not rude ~ agape is not self-seeking ~ agape is not easily angered ~ agape keeps no record of wrong ~ agape does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth ~ agape always protects ~ agape always trusts ~ agape always hopes ~ agape always perseveres ~ agape never fails

Agape is described with absolutes and as a complete package, and it is always demonstrated, never just 'felt' ~ we are incapable of this kind of love on our own, and if you doubt that ~ consider, do you love, as described above and demonstrated by your actions all brothers and sisters in Christ?

Yet we are commanded to do just this ~ and through the power of His Holy Spirit we can do what is otherwise impossible, we can be used to demonstrate His love ~ agape love ~ supernatural love

And who wouldn't notice this? Certainly not natural, to some even crazy - but wonderfully and unmistakably noticeable ~ so one must ask ~ do they know we are Christians by this love?

whitewashed...

When I confess my sins and am forgiven ~ they are as far from me and as far from God as the east is from the west...

So why do some return to us, memories and regret, nagging and unresolved?

No doubt Satan will use this as a tool ~ a tool to bring shame when we know we have been given grace, to rob us of the truth of the work on the cross, to call us to deny the completeness of the payment of our penalties ~ regrets that can cripple us, denial that places a wall between us and our savior - intolerable, inexcusable lies of Satan that must be immediately rejected so that they have no chance to take root, no opportunity to take away even a moment of fellowship with our Lord. But I wonder, is this the only reason these thoughts return?

Confession, true confession is difficult and I think often not reached. Soul baring confession, not some superficial mention of a wrong, not apologizing for the symptom of our sin, not just an admission of the obvious - but a self examination of the heart, seeking guidance from the Holy Spirit to expose the full truth of our sin, the real root of our behavior ~ removing the layers until we strike a nerve and we feel the pain and sorrow of true repentance ~ confession to our all knowing God that sincerely conveys all that we are capable of understanding about our sin...

It is hard to say "I've sinned", harder still to call it was it is, identify and label it, feel the shame and remorse ~ so I think what we often do is 'give a nod' to our sin, whitewash its full reality and thereby fail to truly confess, deceiving our selves, but not the Holy Spirit that grieves within us...

It occurs to me, that if a sin continues to be a struggle, or if the memory of a past sin continues to plague our thoughts, it might be appropriate to give it one last examination, be certain we have removed the sugar coated 'whitewash' used to make it palatable, and confess it to God once and for all...

it's all about love...

Blessed be the God and Father of my Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten me again to a living hope through the resurrection if Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for me, who is kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this I greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, I have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of my faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire may be found to praise, honor and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen, I love. Though now I do not see Him, yet believing, I rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of my faith - the salvation of my soul. 1Peter 1:3-9 ~ personalized...

How easy it is to read a passage and feel comforted by its wonderful message, but yet not let it sink in as deep as it should ~ a friend of mine told me that she, from time to time, will rewrite a passage with personal pronouns and review it this way, allowing it to sink in, ponder if it still seemed true or recognize that it is sometimes more convicting...

Oftentimes we more easily see the sin in another's life more easily that we see our own. We may even spend time focused on this sin because of how it affects us personally. However, at some point, we often must realize that we are overlooking our own sin problem in this situation - many passages warn us of this danger. For me, this reminder came in through the back door through this passage...

Through a series of (unfortunate) events, I have been placed in more than one position of being routinely subjected to people whom my good judgement and a reasonable amount of experience warns, are simply not who they present themselves to be ~ people who have been elevated in their positions in a way inappropriate to their character or maturity, but people I believe God has called me to work with...

While contemplating how best to approach this, I have considered several passages and have prayed about this quite a bit, but I found that my focus was becoming more on the issues they have and what I should do to deal with it - and I suppose on some level this would help prepare me, but when it seemed to become more and not less bothersome, I had to come to the conclusion that I too was harboring a sin problem toward these people - but what sin?

And then I read 1Peter. In the first chapter and in just a few verses, I was beginning to see more clearly ~ .."I have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of my faith, being more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ..." I know that any trials I face are placed by God for a purpose. And I know that any and all hope I have in all of eternity come solely and completely from my perfect and sovereign God...

And then a later passage completes the picture for me ~ "Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit in sincere love of the brethren, love one another fervently with a pure heart..." v.22

If my heart is purified from my obedience to love, then I shouldn't be struggling to love - so it seems to me that the trials in my life right now boil down to the challenge of obediently forgiving and loving my brothers and sisters in Christ who seem to be a vessel for inflicting a certain amount of pain and frustration in my life right now...

I have a great and awesome God who protects me with His perfect power, I will not be destroyed by these trials when I put my trust in Him, so I can trust Him when he tells me to love. I can know with certainty that the trials I face will not cause my (spiritual) demise or He would not have given this command! And knowing this, it becomes clear to me that what I should do is forgive as I have been forgiven and then "in sincere love of the brethren, love one another with a pure heart", this is all I need to know for now ~ and in this God will be glorified <3

friendship...

I can't think of a season in my life that I didn't have a friend, but throughout my life, the circle of friends has changed ~ the types of relationships have been almost as varied as the women themselves.

I've had very needy friends and very giving friends, friends who shared more of a common set of interests rather than common life goals, some who I could trust with my deepest thoughts and others who never went below the surface. I've had confident friends and insecure and bossy friends, quiet and reflective friends and outrageously funny friends -

I have been betrayed by some friends and lifted up by others - I've had friends who taught me the need to set boundaries on my time and others who have seriously tried my patience ~ I have had friends who have pulled me down or held me back but others who continue to inspire me by example to be a better woman. Friends I see often, and friends who can pick up where we left off after months apart ~ friends who sincerely share my joy or will just sit and cry with me in my despair.

I cannot claim great wisdom, but I have lived long enough and have been through enough to know this ~ I must treasure the journey as I grow to know someone better, I must not be surprised by the ache from the disappointment of what that sometimes reveals ~ I must remember that through trials and challenges so much is discovered about the true nature of a friendship and know with certainty ~ when the dust settles there are but a few true friends still standing ~ and rarely who you think...

above all I know this ~ friendship should be treasured and protected, given and received and always acknowledged for what it is ~ a beautiful gift from our loving God...

what's in your cup? ...

"When our cup is jostled, what spills out reveals what is inside" Dee Brestin from her study of proverbs...

to illustrate we read in 1 Samuel ~

Penninah and Hannah, married to the same man - that would certainly jostle MY cup! Penninah had children, Hannah could not - ouch, but their 'shared' husband loved Hannah more - serious jostle!!

What spilled from Penninah was jealousy, bitterness and cruelty towards Hannah, provoking her ruthlessly -and it hurt. Penninah sought her own methods of coping, indulging in a fleshly response to her pain...

Hannah's cup overflowed with her faith in God, she took her grief to Him, she indulged in His presence and tirelessly trusted Him...

Penninah increased her pain and suffering ~ Hannah was healed

Although greatly simplified here, what a great reminder of yet another way to measure our progress, to test our hearts - when my cup is jostled, what spills out?

from where I sit...

From where I sit I can still see the remnants of what used to be my sweet little brown eyed, teddy bear of a boy ~ loading a hay wagon he pulls those bales of hay up to the top like they weigh nothing - no fear of the height, no waver in his balance on the top of a loaded hay wagon - so strong, so tough - 700 bales in to the job he keeps up with his father and I am so amazed...

But I can still see him, tender and sweet, gentle and sensitive, his mommy completely charmed from the very first smile ~ then I look again and my heart aches, my throat clenches and the young man I'm watching really isn't a little boy any more...

I am comforted by wise words learned years ago - it's not my job to raise a boy, I am to raise a man ~ and we are..

But oh how I love my little boy!! My tender-hearted 2 year old who would not leave my side if I wasn't feeling well, who found his way under the covers every morning for months just an hour before it was time to get up. The determined 4 year old who spent hours cutting and nailing and building anything and everything, my inquisitive 8 year old with fantastic, endless questions -

That tender hearted little boy is becoming such a kind young man, my determined young son is keeping up with the men and is proud of a hard day's work - that gentle little boy is becoming a deeply sensitive but strong young man, that inquisitive nature leading him to amazing knowledge and wisdom - and I am so proud of him...

As he changes daily before my eyes, I long for just a little more time, I ache to protect him from any harsh realities of life ~ from where I sit, I know that it is time to say goodbye to the beautiful little boy who stole my heart with a smile~ but from where I sit, I also watch with great anticipation as I meet the amazing young man he's learning to be ~ and I rejoice!!!

Let your father and your mother be glad, and let her who bore you rejoice.
Proverbs 23:25

displaced aggression...

I learned this term at least 25 years ago - dad comes home from a bad day at work and kicks the dog - clearly the dog did nothing ~ this is an obvious situation of displaced aggression...

A sweet friend faces a devastating loss, the loss of a child - the tears threaten to consume me, but instead of allowing the pain to flow through me - I 'compose' myself. As I work to keep all of this pain at bay, I am manic, I clean and organize, do laundry - I accomplish the work of 6 people in one day. The next morning, I attack my day with the same fervor, only now, stay out of my way - I'm not only efficient, I'm getting mean - I snap and bark, I am truly horrible ~ and I know it ~ but I feel powerless to be reasonable - the physical and emotional exertion is exhausting...

Later that evening - I cannot push back the images so I go to my computer ~ reading the message of the loss I tried to not let in ~ and then reading it again, I could no longer keep it out and this loss makes its way in to the center of my heart, breaking it and my 'composure'. Crying with me, my family grieves for our friends and forgives me. My aggression is gone...

My dad calls, he is now home from the hospital, but has another day of tests ~ and I didn't even know there had been a problem. It seems he had several symptoms of a heart attack - WHAT?!? "Gee dad, you should tell me when you have a heart attack!!" Of course, by this time he had assured me that the doctors confirmed that is was NOT a heart attack, but I didn't want to camp on the possibility for even a minute - so, with another favorite 'coping' tactic, I made light, made jokes - and kept it out ~ maintaining my composure of course.

The morning of his tests I woke up with determination - I was tired from fighting back the emotions the night before, trying to give this to God and just trust Him - but, I was off to the races. Laundry, to do lists, polishing everything in my kitchen - and of course, the challenge within me to be reasonable.

I began to recognize this losing battle with reason and managed to get the kids safely out the door - but my poor husband didn't escape - I yelled at him for something stupid, and even as the words were coming out of my mouth I was thinking "why am I doing this?" ~ it was all over quickly and then he left for his day - to his credit, he called and apologized - he didn't know what happened, but he was sorry we had a fight - and although I still didn't realize what happened either, I knew that it was my fault...

Early that afternoon, my step mom called to tell me that all was well, the tests were great and there is no reason to worry about my dad's heart ~ relief washed over me, and the aggression was gone...

I'm starting to see a pattern, could there be more ~ and I know the answer...

Confessing my sins - for real and in all its ugliness

As I dig in to the book of Proverbs with one friend and the book of Ecclesiastes with another, I have been sincerely crying out to God to reveal sin in my life ~ to create in me a clean heart. But guess what - it hurts...

As I see areas of struggle, budding seeds of bitterness, struggles with discontentment -I now see that I resist, I fight to 'compose' myself and not feel the pain. I see the concept, try to give a quick "oh ya, I kinda do that, please forgive me..." Let me tell you, this doesn't work.

Glossing over what God is revealing creates restlessness, I find it hard if not impossible to read and comprehend His word and I become irritable and impatient (my poor family),

But, with the patience of good friends I begin to see patterns in my topic of conversation, in my questions seeking understanding - and yet again, God is patiently placing before me another look at my struggles ~ and through all of this I gain undeniable clarity and He gives me the strength I need to truly face the sin, and to confess it fully to Him ~ and the restlessness leaves and the aggression is gone...

I could have titled this "my poor family" - or, "the many ineffective ways to avoid pain" ~ but looking back over many years, I can see this is what I do. I try to avoid the pain, but now ~what I don't want to forget? - It's still there and it reveals its self in the form of displaced aggression.

God gives us so much - and so much of it I eagerly accept - I guess it's time I stop trying to ignore this part, to stop kidding myself with my so-called coping mechanisms, and face the pain, the pain of loss, the pain of fear, the pain of conviction - and then He can heal, He can comfort and He can forgive - and the aggression in me will be gone...

do you know what you are sowing...

"Wow, you are so patient to wait for your husband to get that project completed, I could never be so patient...." The Seed: Discontentment (Ya honey, when are you going to get this done - now that I think about it, I DO care!

"So, what is that music you have playing? Ya, I've never really gotten in to that group..." The Seed: Bitterness (Thanks a lot - I thought we were friends - why would you say that?)

"Cute pacifier, I never allowed my children to have one, I don't like them or they don't need them..." The Seed: Doubt (Maybe I DON'T know what I'm doing...)

You've decided to do WHAT with your child's education? You are having HOW many (few) children? You allow them to eat, don't let them have... The Seeds: Doubt, Bitterness, Discontentment - and more -

"I really admire that you work, I could never leave my kids like that..." The Seed: Doubt or Discontentment (If only my husband made enough to support us - or maybe I am a bad mom)

"I can't believe all that you do for your husband, I could never be married to someone like that..." The Seed: Discontentment (No kidding, I shouldn't be such a doormat - I should put my foot down and demand my rights!)

"I used to think you were...., but now I really like you..." The Seeds: Doubt or Bitterness - and most likely, heartbreak or humiliation...

"Nice skirt, I tried that on and decided they pretty much don't look good on anyone..."

WHAT?!?!?! Was that a compliment? Then why do I feel so lousy?!

I didn't make up any of these comments and I routinely hear Christians make remarks like these to one another. Often an insult dressed in a compliment - but not always! I have no idea why this has become so acceptable, and it seems prevalent in all circles - But WOW ~ it can be so extremely demoralizing and often really tears people down ~ and because it can be subtle, I think sometimes people don't even know why they feel so bad, just a small dose of poison...

In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise. Proverbs 10:19

Maybe this applies in this situation, maybe it is not always a person who articulates themselves with many words for a single thought, but rather someone who doesn't seem to hesitate to speak ~often ~ and about everything ~ who has an answer or a comment at the ready, who routinely interrupts or rewords things for another person - or someone who voices their opinion without the benefit of a 'filter' - without a pause to consider the damage they may do by voicing their unsolicited advice, commentary or thinly veiled criticism... I even think maybe these people are often blissfully unaware...

But ~ ignorance does not absolve one of the guilt. So I would ask ~ if you are someone who eagerly shares your opinions and comments - do you know what you are sowing????

lessons from our children....

When I think of the countless things that have molded me in to who I am, the things that have revealed strengths and weaknesses, when I contemplate all of the influences in my life, I can think of nothing that has impacted me in more profound ways than the lives of my children.

My first child, beautiful and truly the model 'baby', pulled me fully in to adulthood in a way nothing else could - a life completely dependent on me. Never before have I been more overwhelmed by my mortality because I was faced full on with the reality of hers.

Eventually, our family grew to 4 beautiful children with 4 completely different personalities - funny, studious, quiet, gentle, kind..... on and on I could go ~ but of course there was ornery, stubborn, impatient, outspoken.....

There is no set way to train this diverse group of people, no single communication style, no set 'perfect discipline', each needs a custom parenting style, each has a different set of strengths and weaknesses, different circumstances and challenges...

As we strive to meet the needs of our children, to rise to the challenges of raising and nurturing the beautiful souls entrusted to us for such a brief time, we learn so much about ourselves. Our weaknesses are revealed and so are our strengths - our children often mirror our attitudes, if not magnify them! And oh boy! what we may see!!!

Have you ever seen an enthusiastic Hawkeye fan - who is all of 4 years old?? Where do you think he gets this? Seriously, I doubt he has personally formed opinions on the offensive line up, or the defense strategies used by the Iowa Hawkeye football coaches - no, he mirrors and adopts, forms an allegiance - even falls in love with that which his parents love, those who his parents follow - it's obvious where the parents stand and you know, this kid will be an inexplicably faithful fan - probably until the day he dies - what an image!

So, can you imagine if his dad was this in love with his Lord and Savior?! If his family surrounded themselves with His word, planned parties and events to honor and celebrate Him - if He was associated with great joy and blessings - can you imagine if a child so fell in love with their Lord that they have no memory of not feeling this way - and when anyone came in to contact with this child, they knew - they knew where his allegiance lies, to whom his heart was devoted? can you imagine? - what an image!

To become the parents our children need, we must be stretched and we must grow, we must be humbled and we must be strengthened and lifted up ~ but most of all, we must be deeply and truly in love with our Lord and Savior. God gave us this task, he most certainly will equip us for it ~ and it seems that He also uses the very children entrusted to us to be a source of growth in us - how very grateful I am for the wonderful lessons we learn from our children <3

i just love spring!!!

As I type, it's raining outside, I can hear a low rumble of thunder in the distance from the awesome storm that just passed - the air has cooled and it smells like rain! The trees glow, the flowers are still wet with rain and ~ my hair is frizzed and there is mud everywhere -and I just love it!

If I could change the calendar I would - Spring is when everything begins ~ perfect and new and full of promise, summer is when the sun burns the hottest and shines the brightest, fall is relief from the heat, and oh so beautiful, even as the flowers wilt and the leaves fall, the days are shorter and things slow down - and then winter, breath-taking beauty!! I love the changes and I love that I've gotten to see it begin again and again 43 times ~ I truly enjoy every season while I'm in it - and yet, I am so tickled to see the next season come in, I am hard pressed to pick a favorite, they just all seem to come at just the right time.

I have loved the seasons of my life with that same passion. Spring ~ I loved the newness of the dating phase with my husband, getting to know one another - that season when we were both still so 'perfect' :b !! And then the season of young children - I suppose this would be summer! Busy and crazy sometimes, young children, new careers - definitely a time you could feel the heat - but wow does the sun shine bright in this season - and oh how I miss those days when they were small ~ but even then I knew the days would fly by so I really tried to savor every moment.

Now, I would say I'm seeing signs of fall ~ so many changes, my firstborn married and setting up a home of her own and the reality that leaving home is just on the horizon for the other three. I love the season I am in, and I dearly wish to slow the hands of time, but I know I am headed for another beautiful season - things will be more quiet around here, but it will have its beauty - and I really love the fall....