a moment with God...

One step
~One slip
~~One trip
~~~One tumble
In to a great abyss I stumble
Moments ago so sure and clear,
How did this happen?
Why am I here?

Never
~Never
~~ Never again
Yet here I am ~ wondering when
~When did I slip?
~~What did I do?
All that I want
~is to be close to You.

Your dear servant Job knew just what to say
~and I remember, Your way is not my way

The heat of this fire is removing the dross
The pain that I suffer will not be a loss
Impurities gone, this saint more refined,
More valuable than gold, this servant will shine

The pain and the strain that I'm feeling this day
Are the chisels and blows of the Potter to His clay
Making and moulding this servant He loves
To be wise as a serpent ~ but gentle as a dove

Not a failure but a trial -
the accuser's a liar!
I welcome the trustworthy
Refiner's fire!

Fooled no more by life's discomfort and pain
These trails and hardships shall end as my gain

Stepping and climbing
~Gaining more ground
A moment with God
~Has turned me around!

No more smoke, just the fire
Such brilliant light
I will rest in His comfort
Find strength in His might

This journey continues from glory to glory
Each one will have his own unique story

Thank you my Father for the gift of Your Son
Continue to shape me 'til my work here is done

buried alive...

Digging deeper on very personal matters as encouraged in a bible study entitled "Living Beyond Yourself" by Beth Moore I have been challenged time and time again to consider how things really are compared to how I have believed them to be ~ to soul search and be completely honest -and I have prayed that God would not give me peace if I was missing something ~ request granted...

From childhood forward I have learned certain coping mechanisms - ways to handle or deal with pain or disappointment ~ and many instances, maybe even most - I do handle things head on, I generally have a healthy perspective and can put a difficult situation to rest - for good...

But sometimes the wound is so painful or so deep, I can't bring myself to look at it - sometimes I'd rather forget it than face it~ so I just bury it ~ and I've now I've come to realize ~ I bury it alive...

God knew the trials and heartache I would face before He created me, He knows what I need in my life to shape and mould me in to who I am supposed to be ~ knowing this, I can now see how damaging my denial has been ~ failing to even admit to myself that I've been hurt leaves me weakened and vulnerable and unable to find proper perspective in certain relationships...

Having come to this realization, I must confess to the pain of rejection I have faced, I must stop trying to obtain approval from others as though this will bring me peace on the matter ~ what I have buried alive I must briefly unearth so that I may end its life and remove its power once and for all...

I will have scars indeed, but I will treasure every battle wound in the name of freedom ~ freedom in Christ ~ freedom for unhindered growth and fellowship ~ freedom to continue to make new discoveries about my Savior ~ freedom to experience unsurpassed joy - no matter my circumstances ~ freedom from having my very soul, buried alive...

and they will know we are Christians by our (supernatural) love...

Eros ~ intimate love, love between a man and wife; philos~ friend love, and affection toward another, often grown from similar or common interests - both called love in the English language - both come with emotion and both are within our grasp - even in our own strength...

but agape ~ this love is so much more, this love is described with 15 different attributes ~ this is the love in 1 Corinthians 13, this is the love that bears witness to the work of the Holy Spirit in us, the love we are commanded to give to our brothers and sisters in Christ, all of our brothers and sisters in Christ, and this is the love that we are commanded to love our God - agape love - with all our heart, with all our mind and with all our soul, and this is the love that God so loved us with that He gave us His Son ~ but this love is not attainable in our own strength ~ this is a supernatural love, a love that can exist only by the power and leading of the Holy Spirit in us ~

Agape is patient ~ agape is kind ~ agape does not envy ~ agape does not boast ~ agape is not proud ~ agape is not rude ~ agape is not self-seeking ~ agape is not easily angered ~ agape keeps no record of wrong ~ agape does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth ~ agape always protects ~ agape always trusts ~ agape always hopes ~ agape always perseveres ~ agape never fails

Agape is described with absolutes and as a complete package, and it is always demonstrated, never just 'felt' ~ we are incapable of this kind of love on our own, and if you doubt that ~ consider, do you love, as described above and demonstrated by your actions all brothers and sisters in Christ?

Yet we are commanded to do just this ~ and through the power of His Holy Spirit we can do what is otherwise impossible, we can be used to demonstrate His love ~ agape love ~ supernatural love

And who wouldn't notice this? Certainly not natural, to some even crazy - but wonderfully and unmistakably noticeable ~ so one must ask ~ do they know we are Christians by this love?

whitewashed...

When I confess my sins and am forgiven ~ they are as far from me and as far from God as the east is from the west...

So why do some return to us, memories and regret, nagging and unresolved?

No doubt Satan will use this as a tool ~ a tool to bring shame when we know we have been given grace, to rob us of the truth of the work on the cross, to call us to deny the completeness of the payment of our penalties ~ regrets that can cripple us, denial that places a wall between us and our savior - intolerable, inexcusable lies of Satan that must be immediately rejected so that they have no chance to take root, no opportunity to take away even a moment of fellowship with our Lord. But I wonder, is this the only reason these thoughts return?

Confession, true confession is difficult and I think often not reached. Soul baring confession, not some superficial mention of a wrong, not apologizing for the symptom of our sin, not just an admission of the obvious - but a self examination of the heart, seeking guidance from the Holy Spirit to expose the full truth of our sin, the real root of our behavior ~ removing the layers until we strike a nerve and we feel the pain and sorrow of true repentance ~ confession to our all knowing God that sincerely conveys all that we are capable of understanding about our sin...

It is hard to say "I've sinned", harder still to call it was it is, identify and label it, feel the shame and remorse ~ so I think what we often do is 'give a nod' to our sin, whitewash its full reality and thereby fail to truly confess, deceiving our selves, but not the Holy Spirit that grieves within us...

It occurs to me, that if a sin continues to be a struggle, or if the memory of a past sin continues to plague our thoughts, it might be appropriate to give it one last examination, be certain we have removed the sugar coated 'whitewash' used to make it palatable, and confess it to God once and for all...

it's all about love...

Blessed be the God and Father of my Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten me again to a living hope through the resurrection if Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for me, who is kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this I greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, I have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of my faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire may be found to praise, honor and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen, I love. Though now I do not see Him, yet believing, I rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of my faith - the salvation of my soul. 1Peter 1:3-9 ~ personalized...

How easy it is to read a passage and feel comforted by its wonderful message, but yet not let it sink in as deep as it should ~ a friend of mine told me that she, from time to time, will rewrite a passage with personal pronouns and review it this way, allowing it to sink in, ponder if it still seemed true or recognize that it is sometimes more convicting...

Oftentimes we more easily see the sin in another's life more easily that we see our own. We may even spend time focused on this sin because of how it affects us personally. However, at some point, we often must realize that we are overlooking our own sin problem in this situation - many passages warn us of this danger. For me, this reminder came in through the back door through this passage...

Through a series of (unfortunate) events, I have been placed in more than one position of being routinely subjected to people whom my good judgement and a reasonable amount of experience warns, are simply not who they present themselves to be ~ people who have been elevated in their positions in a way inappropriate to their character or maturity, but people I believe God has called me to work with...

While contemplating how best to approach this, I have considered several passages and have prayed about this quite a bit, but I found that my focus was becoming more on the issues they have and what I should do to deal with it - and I suppose on some level this would help prepare me, but when it seemed to become more and not less bothersome, I had to come to the conclusion that I too was harboring a sin problem toward these people - but what sin?

And then I read 1Peter. In the first chapter and in just a few verses, I was beginning to see more clearly ~ .."I have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of my faith, being more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ..." I know that any trials I face are placed by God for a purpose. And I know that any and all hope I have in all of eternity come solely and completely from my perfect and sovereign God...

And then a later passage completes the picture for me ~ "Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit in sincere love of the brethren, love one another fervently with a pure heart..." v.22

If my heart is purified from my obedience to love, then I shouldn't be struggling to love - so it seems to me that the trials in my life right now boil down to the challenge of obediently forgiving and loving my brothers and sisters in Christ who seem to be a vessel for inflicting a certain amount of pain and frustration in my life right now...

I have a great and awesome God who protects me with His perfect power, I will not be destroyed by these trials when I put my trust in Him, so I can trust Him when he tells me to love. I can know with certainty that the trials I face will not cause my (spiritual) demise or He would not have given this command! And knowing this, it becomes clear to me that what I should do is forgive as I have been forgiven and then "in sincere love of the brethren, love one another with a pure heart", this is all I need to know for now ~ and in this God will be glorified <3

friendship...

I can't think of a season in my life that I didn't have a friend, but throughout my life, the circle of friends has changed ~ the types of relationships have been almost as varied as the women themselves.

I've had very needy friends and very giving friends, friends who shared more of a common set of interests rather than common life goals, some who I could trust with my deepest thoughts and others who never went below the surface. I've had confident friends and insecure and bossy friends, quiet and reflective friends and outrageously funny friends -

I have been betrayed by some friends and lifted up by others - I've had friends who taught me the need to set boundaries on my time and others who have seriously tried my patience ~ I have had friends who have pulled me down or held me back but others who continue to inspire me by example to be a better woman. Friends I see often, and friends who can pick up where we left off after months apart ~ friends who sincerely share my joy or will just sit and cry with me in my despair.

I cannot claim great wisdom, but I have lived long enough and have been through enough to know this ~ I must treasure the journey as I grow to know someone better, I must not be surprised by the ache from the disappointment of what that sometimes reveals ~ I must remember that through trials and challenges so much is discovered about the true nature of a friendship and know with certainty ~ when the dust settles there are but a few true friends still standing ~ and rarely who you think...

above all I know this ~ friendship should be treasured and protected, given and received and always acknowledged for what it is ~ a beautiful gift from our loving God...

what's in your cup? ...

"When our cup is jostled, what spills out reveals what is inside" Dee Brestin from her study of proverbs...

to illustrate we read in 1 Samuel ~

Penninah and Hannah, married to the same man - that would certainly jostle MY cup! Penninah had children, Hannah could not - ouch, but their 'shared' husband loved Hannah more - serious jostle!!

What spilled from Penninah was jealousy, bitterness and cruelty towards Hannah, provoking her ruthlessly -and it hurt. Penninah sought her own methods of coping, indulging in a fleshly response to her pain...

Hannah's cup overflowed with her faith in God, she took her grief to Him, she indulged in His presence and tirelessly trusted Him...

Penninah increased her pain and suffering ~ Hannah was healed

Although greatly simplified here, what a great reminder of yet another way to measure our progress, to test our hearts - when my cup is jostled, what spills out?