I learned this term at least 25 years ago - dad comes home from a bad day at work and kicks the dog - clearly the dog did nothing ~ this is an obvious situation of displaced aggression...
A sweet friend faces a devastating loss, the loss of a child - the tears threaten to consume me, but instead of allowing the pain to flow through me - I 'compose' myself. As I work to keep all of this pain at bay, I am manic, I clean and organize, do laundry - I accomplish the work of 6 people in one day. The next morning, I attack my day with the same fervor, only now, stay out of my way - I'm not only efficient, I'm getting mean - I snap and bark, I am truly horrible ~ and I know it ~ but I feel powerless to be reasonable - the physical and emotional exertion is exhausting...
Later that evening - I cannot push back the images so I go to my computer ~ reading the message of the loss I tried to not let in ~ and then reading it again, I could no longer keep it out and this loss makes its way in to the center of my heart, breaking it and my 'composure'. Crying with me, my family grieves for our friends and forgives me. My aggression is gone...
My dad calls, he is now home from the hospital, but has another day of tests ~ and I didn't even know there had been a problem. It seems he had several symptoms of a heart attack - WHAT?!? "Gee dad, you should tell me when you have a heart attack!!" Of course, by this time he had assured me that the doctors confirmed that is was NOT a heart attack, but I didn't want to camp on the possibility for even a minute - so, with another favorite 'coping' tactic, I made light, made jokes - and kept it out ~ maintaining my composure of course.
The morning of his tests I woke up with determination - I was tired from fighting back the emotions the night before, trying to give this to God and just trust Him - but, I was off to the races. Laundry, to do lists, polishing everything in my kitchen - and of course, the challenge within me to be reasonable.
I began to recognize this losing battle with reason and managed to get the kids safely out the door - but my poor husband didn't escape - I yelled at him for something stupid, and even as the words were coming out of my mouth I was thinking "why am I doing this?" ~ it was all over quickly and then he left for his day - to his credit, he called and apologized - he didn't know what happened, but he was sorry we had a fight - and although I still didn't realize what happened either, I knew that it was my fault...
Early that afternoon, my step mom called to tell me that all was well, the tests were great and there is no reason to worry about my dad's heart ~ relief washed over me, and the aggression was gone...
I'm starting to see a pattern, could there be more ~ and I know the answer...
Confessing my sins - for real and in all its ugliness
As I dig in to the book of Proverbs with one friend and the book of Ecclesiastes with another, I have been sincerely crying out to God to reveal sin in my life ~ to create in me a clean heart. But guess what - it hurts...
As I see areas of struggle, budding seeds of bitterness, struggles with discontentment -I now see that I resist, I fight to 'compose' myself and not feel the pain. I see the concept, try to give a quick "oh ya, I kinda do that, please forgive me..." Let me tell you, this doesn't work.
Glossing over what God is revealing creates restlessness, I find it hard if not impossible to read and comprehend His word and I become irritable and impatient (my poor family),
But, with the patience of good friends I begin to see patterns in my topic of conversation, in my questions seeking understanding - and yet again, God is patiently placing before me another look at my struggles ~ and through all of this I gain undeniable clarity and He gives me the strength I need to truly face the sin, and to confess it fully to Him ~ and the restlessness leaves and the aggression is gone...
I could have titled this "my poor family" - or, "the many ineffective ways to avoid pain" ~ but looking back over many years, I can see this is what I do. I try to avoid the pain, but now ~what I don't want to forget? - It's still there and it reveals its self in the form of displaced aggression.
God gives us so much - and so much of it I eagerly accept - I guess it's time I stop trying to ignore this part, to stop kidding myself with my so-called coping mechanisms, and face the pain, the pain of loss, the pain of fear, the pain of conviction - and then He can heal, He can comfort and He can forgive - and the aggression in me will be gone...
<3 you :)
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