slaying dragons

How much do I weigh to day
how do you think I look?
Should it really matter?
Let's consult another book

Self-esteem, personal pride
it's time to put yourself first
You deserve a break today,
no wait, you'll only look worse

Eat more ~ eat less ~ I'll never get this right
Hit the gym
~weigh in
~~man my jeans are tight

Think about it, plan ahead
never let it go
Wear a baggy sweater,
maybe it won't show

You can do this ~ you can fix it
make this weight loss snappy
then finally you'll be so slim
just maybe you'll be happy

Really?! Truly?! do I believe this?
Absolutely NO!
Peace and joy and a walk so strong
I've got to let this go!

My body is His temple
to glorify His name
my fears and insecurities
are only to His shame

A steward of this holy place
is what I am to be
In my choices honor Him
and I will be set free!

Nourish my soul in His word
morning noon and night
then caring for my body
will no longer be a fight

Thank you Father for the truth and strength
found only in Your word
A faithful servant I will be
Your message I have heard

Each day, each hour and every thought
I give my life to You
Destroy this idol that lives in me
restore my heart and make me new

The accuser had me for a moment
broken bruised and shattered
You slayed this dragon in my life so I could
remember all that mattered

I am Yours, loved and saved
and here for just a season
To tell the world of Your gift of love
You gave for Your own reason

Idols gone and strength restored
Your mercies know no end
With all my heart I thank You God ~
my Savior and my Friend

a moment with God...

One step
~One slip
~~One trip
~~~One tumble
In to a great abyss I stumble
Moments ago so sure and clear,
How did this happen?
Why am I here?

Never
~Never
~~ Never again
Yet here I am ~ wondering when
~When did I slip?
~~What did I do?
All that I want
~is to be close to You.

Your dear servant Job knew just what to say
~and I remember, Your way is not my way

The heat of this fire is removing the dross
The pain that I suffer will not be a loss
Impurities gone, this saint more refined,
More valuable than gold, this servant will shine

The pain and the strain that I'm feeling this day
Are the chisels and blows of the Potter to His clay
Making and moulding this servant He loves
To be wise as a serpent ~ but gentle as a dove

Not a failure but a trial -
the accuser's a liar!
I welcome the trustworthy
Refiner's fire!

Fooled no more by life's discomfort and pain
These trails and hardships shall end as my gain

Stepping and climbing
~Gaining more ground
A moment with God
~Has turned me around!

No more smoke, just the fire
Such brilliant light
I will rest in His comfort
Find strength in His might

This journey continues from glory to glory
Each one will have his own unique story

Thank you my Father for the gift of Your Son
Continue to shape me 'til my work here is done

buried alive...

Digging deeper on very personal matters as encouraged in a bible study entitled "Living Beyond Yourself" by Beth Moore I have been challenged time and time again to consider how things really are compared to how I have believed them to be ~ to soul search and be completely honest -and I have prayed that God would not give me peace if I was missing something ~ request granted...

From childhood forward I have learned certain coping mechanisms - ways to handle or deal with pain or disappointment ~ and many instances, maybe even most - I do handle things head on, I generally have a healthy perspective and can put a difficult situation to rest - for good...

But sometimes the wound is so painful or so deep, I can't bring myself to look at it - sometimes I'd rather forget it than face it~ so I just bury it ~ and I've now I've come to realize ~ I bury it alive...

God knew the trials and heartache I would face before He created me, He knows what I need in my life to shape and mould me in to who I am supposed to be ~ knowing this, I can now see how damaging my denial has been ~ failing to even admit to myself that I've been hurt leaves me weakened and vulnerable and unable to find proper perspective in certain relationships...

Having come to this realization, I must confess to the pain of rejection I have faced, I must stop trying to obtain approval from others as though this will bring me peace on the matter ~ what I have buried alive I must briefly unearth so that I may end its life and remove its power once and for all...

I will have scars indeed, but I will treasure every battle wound in the name of freedom ~ freedom in Christ ~ freedom for unhindered growth and fellowship ~ freedom to continue to make new discoveries about my Savior ~ freedom to experience unsurpassed joy - no matter my circumstances ~ freedom from having my very soul, buried alive...

and they will know we are Christians by our (supernatural) love...

Eros ~ intimate love, love between a man and wife; philos~ friend love, and affection toward another, often grown from similar or common interests - both called love in the English language - both come with emotion and both are within our grasp - even in our own strength...

but agape ~ this love is so much more, this love is described with 15 different attributes ~ this is the love in 1 Corinthians 13, this is the love that bears witness to the work of the Holy Spirit in us, the love we are commanded to give to our brothers and sisters in Christ, all of our brothers and sisters in Christ, and this is the love that we are commanded to love our God - agape love - with all our heart, with all our mind and with all our soul, and this is the love that God so loved us with that He gave us His Son ~ but this love is not attainable in our own strength ~ this is a supernatural love, a love that can exist only by the power and leading of the Holy Spirit in us ~

Agape is patient ~ agape is kind ~ agape does not envy ~ agape does not boast ~ agape is not proud ~ agape is not rude ~ agape is not self-seeking ~ agape is not easily angered ~ agape keeps no record of wrong ~ agape does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth ~ agape always protects ~ agape always trusts ~ agape always hopes ~ agape always perseveres ~ agape never fails

Agape is described with absolutes and as a complete package, and it is always demonstrated, never just 'felt' ~ we are incapable of this kind of love on our own, and if you doubt that ~ consider, do you love, as described above and demonstrated by your actions all brothers and sisters in Christ?

Yet we are commanded to do just this ~ and through the power of His Holy Spirit we can do what is otherwise impossible, we can be used to demonstrate His love ~ agape love ~ supernatural love

And who wouldn't notice this? Certainly not natural, to some even crazy - but wonderfully and unmistakably noticeable ~ so one must ask ~ do they know we are Christians by this love?

whitewashed...

When I confess my sins and am forgiven ~ they are as far from me and as far from God as the east is from the west...

So why do some return to us, memories and regret, nagging and unresolved?

No doubt Satan will use this as a tool ~ a tool to bring shame when we know we have been given grace, to rob us of the truth of the work on the cross, to call us to deny the completeness of the payment of our penalties ~ regrets that can cripple us, denial that places a wall between us and our savior - intolerable, inexcusable lies of Satan that must be immediately rejected so that they have no chance to take root, no opportunity to take away even a moment of fellowship with our Lord. But I wonder, is this the only reason these thoughts return?

Confession, true confession is difficult and I think often not reached. Soul baring confession, not some superficial mention of a wrong, not apologizing for the symptom of our sin, not just an admission of the obvious - but a self examination of the heart, seeking guidance from the Holy Spirit to expose the full truth of our sin, the real root of our behavior ~ removing the layers until we strike a nerve and we feel the pain and sorrow of true repentance ~ confession to our all knowing God that sincerely conveys all that we are capable of understanding about our sin...

It is hard to say "I've sinned", harder still to call it was it is, identify and label it, feel the shame and remorse ~ so I think what we often do is 'give a nod' to our sin, whitewash its full reality and thereby fail to truly confess, deceiving our selves, but not the Holy Spirit that grieves within us...

It occurs to me, that if a sin continues to be a struggle, or if the memory of a past sin continues to plague our thoughts, it might be appropriate to give it one last examination, be certain we have removed the sugar coated 'whitewash' used to make it palatable, and confess it to God once and for all...

it's all about love...

Blessed be the God and Father of my Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten me again to a living hope through the resurrection if Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for me, who is kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this I greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, I have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of my faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire may be found to praise, honor and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen, I love. Though now I do not see Him, yet believing, I rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of my faith - the salvation of my soul. 1Peter 1:3-9 ~ personalized...

How easy it is to read a passage and feel comforted by its wonderful message, but yet not let it sink in as deep as it should ~ a friend of mine told me that she, from time to time, will rewrite a passage with personal pronouns and review it this way, allowing it to sink in, ponder if it still seemed true or recognize that it is sometimes more convicting...

Oftentimes we more easily see the sin in another's life more easily that we see our own. We may even spend time focused on this sin because of how it affects us personally. However, at some point, we often must realize that we are overlooking our own sin problem in this situation - many passages warn us of this danger. For me, this reminder came in through the back door through this passage...

Through a series of (unfortunate) events, I have been placed in more than one position of being routinely subjected to people whom my good judgement and a reasonable amount of experience warns, are simply not who they present themselves to be ~ people who have been elevated in their positions in a way inappropriate to their character or maturity, but people I believe God has called me to work with...

While contemplating how best to approach this, I have considered several passages and have prayed about this quite a bit, but I found that my focus was becoming more on the issues they have and what I should do to deal with it - and I suppose on some level this would help prepare me, but when it seemed to become more and not less bothersome, I had to come to the conclusion that I too was harboring a sin problem toward these people - but what sin?

And then I read 1Peter. In the first chapter and in just a few verses, I was beginning to see more clearly ~ .."I have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of my faith, being more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ..." I know that any trials I face are placed by God for a purpose. And I know that any and all hope I have in all of eternity come solely and completely from my perfect and sovereign God...

And then a later passage completes the picture for me ~ "Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit in sincere love of the brethren, love one another fervently with a pure heart..." v.22

If my heart is purified from my obedience to love, then I shouldn't be struggling to love - so it seems to me that the trials in my life right now boil down to the challenge of obediently forgiving and loving my brothers and sisters in Christ who seem to be a vessel for inflicting a certain amount of pain and frustration in my life right now...

I have a great and awesome God who protects me with His perfect power, I will not be destroyed by these trials when I put my trust in Him, so I can trust Him when he tells me to love. I can know with certainty that the trials I face will not cause my (spiritual) demise or He would not have given this command! And knowing this, it becomes clear to me that what I should do is forgive as I have been forgiven and then "in sincere love of the brethren, love one another with a pure heart", this is all I need to know for now ~ and in this God will be glorified <3

friendship...

I can't think of a season in my life that I didn't have a friend, but throughout my life, the circle of friends has changed ~ the types of relationships have been almost as varied as the women themselves.

I've had very needy friends and very giving friends, friends who shared more of a common set of interests rather than common life goals, some who I could trust with my deepest thoughts and others who never went below the surface. I've had confident friends and insecure and bossy friends, quiet and reflective friends and outrageously funny friends -

I have been betrayed by some friends and lifted up by others - I've had friends who taught me the need to set boundaries on my time and others who have seriously tried my patience ~ I have had friends who have pulled me down or held me back but others who continue to inspire me by example to be a better woman. Friends I see often, and friends who can pick up where we left off after months apart ~ friends who sincerely share my joy or will just sit and cry with me in my despair.

I cannot claim great wisdom, but I have lived long enough and have been through enough to know this ~ I must treasure the journey as I grow to know someone better, I must not be surprised by the ache from the disappointment of what that sometimes reveals ~ I must remember that through trials and challenges so much is discovered about the true nature of a friendship and know with certainty ~ when the dust settles there are but a few true friends still standing ~ and rarely who you think...

above all I know this ~ friendship should be treasured and protected, given and received and always acknowledged for what it is ~ a beautiful gift from our loving God...

what's in your cup? ...

"When our cup is jostled, what spills out reveals what is inside" Dee Brestin from her study of proverbs...

to illustrate we read in 1 Samuel ~

Penninah and Hannah, married to the same man - that would certainly jostle MY cup! Penninah had children, Hannah could not - ouch, but their 'shared' husband loved Hannah more - serious jostle!!

What spilled from Penninah was jealousy, bitterness and cruelty towards Hannah, provoking her ruthlessly -and it hurt. Penninah sought her own methods of coping, indulging in a fleshly response to her pain...

Hannah's cup overflowed with her faith in God, she took her grief to Him, she indulged in His presence and tirelessly trusted Him...

Penninah increased her pain and suffering ~ Hannah was healed

Although greatly simplified here, what a great reminder of yet another way to measure our progress, to test our hearts - when my cup is jostled, what spills out?

from where I sit...

From where I sit I can still see the remnants of what used to be my sweet little brown eyed, teddy bear of a boy ~ loading a hay wagon he pulls those bales of hay up to the top like they weigh nothing - no fear of the height, no waver in his balance on the top of a loaded hay wagon - so strong, so tough - 700 bales in to the job he keeps up with his father and I am so amazed...

But I can still see him, tender and sweet, gentle and sensitive, his mommy completely charmed from the very first smile ~ then I look again and my heart aches, my throat clenches and the young man I'm watching really isn't a little boy any more...

I am comforted by wise words learned years ago - it's not my job to raise a boy, I am to raise a man ~ and we are..

But oh how I love my little boy!! My tender-hearted 2 year old who would not leave my side if I wasn't feeling well, who found his way under the covers every morning for months just an hour before it was time to get up. The determined 4 year old who spent hours cutting and nailing and building anything and everything, my inquisitive 8 year old with fantastic, endless questions -

That tender hearted little boy is becoming such a kind young man, my determined young son is keeping up with the men and is proud of a hard day's work - that gentle little boy is becoming a deeply sensitive but strong young man, that inquisitive nature leading him to amazing knowledge and wisdom - and I am so proud of him...

As he changes daily before my eyes, I long for just a little more time, I ache to protect him from any harsh realities of life ~ from where I sit, I know that it is time to say goodbye to the beautiful little boy who stole my heart with a smile~ but from where I sit, I also watch with great anticipation as I meet the amazing young man he's learning to be ~ and I rejoice!!!

Let your father and your mother be glad, and let her who bore you rejoice.
Proverbs 23:25

displaced aggression...

I learned this term at least 25 years ago - dad comes home from a bad day at work and kicks the dog - clearly the dog did nothing ~ this is an obvious situation of displaced aggression...

A sweet friend faces a devastating loss, the loss of a child - the tears threaten to consume me, but instead of allowing the pain to flow through me - I 'compose' myself. As I work to keep all of this pain at bay, I am manic, I clean and organize, do laundry - I accomplish the work of 6 people in one day. The next morning, I attack my day with the same fervor, only now, stay out of my way - I'm not only efficient, I'm getting mean - I snap and bark, I am truly horrible ~ and I know it ~ but I feel powerless to be reasonable - the physical and emotional exertion is exhausting...

Later that evening - I cannot push back the images so I go to my computer ~ reading the message of the loss I tried to not let in ~ and then reading it again, I could no longer keep it out and this loss makes its way in to the center of my heart, breaking it and my 'composure'. Crying with me, my family grieves for our friends and forgives me. My aggression is gone...

My dad calls, he is now home from the hospital, but has another day of tests ~ and I didn't even know there had been a problem. It seems he had several symptoms of a heart attack - WHAT?!? "Gee dad, you should tell me when you have a heart attack!!" Of course, by this time he had assured me that the doctors confirmed that is was NOT a heart attack, but I didn't want to camp on the possibility for even a minute - so, with another favorite 'coping' tactic, I made light, made jokes - and kept it out ~ maintaining my composure of course.

The morning of his tests I woke up with determination - I was tired from fighting back the emotions the night before, trying to give this to God and just trust Him - but, I was off to the races. Laundry, to do lists, polishing everything in my kitchen - and of course, the challenge within me to be reasonable.

I began to recognize this losing battle with reason and managed to get the kids safely out the door - but my poor husband didn't escape - I yelled at him for something stupid, and even as the words were coming out of my mouth I was thinking "why am I doing this?" ~ it was all over quickly and then he left for his day - to his credit, he called and apologized - he didn't know what happened, but he was sorry we had a fight - and although I still didn't realize what happened either, I knew that it was my fault...

Early that afternoon, my step mom called to tell me that all was well, the tests were great and there is no reason to worry about my dad's heart ~ relief washed over me, and the aggression was gone...

I'm starting to see a pattern, could there be more ~ and I know the answer...

Confessing my sins - for real and in all its ugliness

As I dig in to the book of Proverbs with one friend and the book of Ecclesiastes with another, I have been sincerely crying out to God to reveal sin in my life ~ to create in me a clean heart. But guess what - it hurts...

As I see areas of struggle, budding seeds of bitterness, struggles with discontentment -I now see that I resist, I fight to 'compose' myself and not feel the pain. I see the concept, try to give a quick "oh ya, I kinda do that, please forgive me..." Let me tell you, this doesn't work.

Glossing over what God is revealing creates restlessness, I find it hard if not impossible to read and comprehend His word and I become irritable and impatient (my poor family),

But, with the patience of good friends I begin to see patterns in my topic of conversation, in my questions seeking understanding - and yet again, God is patiently placing before me another look at my struggles ~ and through all of this I gain undeniable clarity and He gives me the strength I need to truly face the sin, and to confess it fully to Him ~ and the restlessness leaves and the aggression is gone...

I could have titled this "my poor family" - or, "the many ineffective ways to avoid pain" ~ but looking back over many years, I can see this is what I do. I try to avoid the pain, but now ~what I don't want to forget? - It's still there and it reveals its self in the form of displaced aggression.

God gives us so much - and so much of it I eagerly accept - I guess it's time I stop trying to ignore this part, to stop kidding myself with my so-called coping mechanisms, and face the pain, the pain of loss, the pain of fear, the pain of conviction - and then He can heal, He can comfort and He can forgive - and the aggression in me will be gone...

do you know what you are sowing...

"Wow, you are so patient to wait for your husband to get that project completed, I could never be so patient...." The Seed: Discontentment (Ya honey, when are you going to get this done - now that I think about it, I DO care!

"So, what is that music you have playing? Ya, I've never really gotten in to that group..." The Seed: Bitterness (Thanks a lot - I thought we were friends - why would you say that?)

"Cute pacifier, I never allowed my children to have one, I don't like them or they don't need them..." The Seed: Doubt (Maybe I DON'T know what I'm doing...)

You've decided to do WHAT with your child's education? You are having HOW many (few) children? You allow them to eat, don't let them have... The Seeds: Doubt, Bitterness, Discontentment - and more -

"I really admire that you work, I could never leave my kids like that..." The Seed: Doubt or Discontentment (If only my husband made enough to support us - or maybe I am a bad mom)

"I can't believe all that you do for your husband, I could never be married to someone like that..." The Seed: Discontentment (No kidding, I shouldn't be such a doormat - I should put my foot down and demand my rights!)

"I used to think you were...., but now I really like you..." The Seeds: Doubt or Bitterness - and most likely, heartbreak or humiliation...

"Nice skirt, I tried that on and decided they pretty much don't look good on anyone..."

WHAT?!?!?! Was that a compliment? Then why do I feel so lousy?!

I didn't make up any of these comments and I routinely hear Christians make remarks like these to one another. Often an insult dressed in a compliment - but not always! I have no idea why this has become so acceptable, and it seems prevalent in all circles - But WOW ~ it can be so extremely demoralizing and often really tears people down ~ and because it can be subtle, I think sometimes people don't even know why they feel so bad, just a small dose of poison...

In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise. Proverbs 10:19

Maybe this applies in this situation, maybe it is not always a person who articulates themselves with many words for a single thought, but rather someone who doesn't seem to hesitate to speak ~often ~ and about everything ~ who has an answer or a comment at the ready, who routinely interrupts or rewords things for another person - or someone who voices their opinion without the benefit of a 'filter' - without a pause to consider the damage they may do by voicing their unsolicited advice, commentary or thinly veiled criticism... I even think maybe these people are often blissfully unaware...

But ~ ignorance does not absolve one of the guilt. So I would ask ~ if you are someone who eagerly shares your opinions and comments - do you know what you are sowing????

lessons from our children....

When I think of the countless things that have molded me in to who I am, the things that have revealed strengths and weaknesses, when I contemplate all of the influences in my life, I can think of nothing that has impacted me in more profound ways than the lives of my children.

My first child, beautiful and truly the model 'baby', pulled me fully in to adulthood in a way nothing else could - a life completely dependent on me. Never before have I been more overwhelmed by my mortality because I was faced full on with the reality of hers.

Eventually, our family grew to 4 beautiful children with 4 completely different personalities - funny, studious, quiet, gentle, kind..... on and on I could go ~ but of course there was ornery, stubborn, impatient, outspoken.....

There is no set way to train this diverse group of people, no single communication style, no set 'perfect discipline', each needs a custom parenting style, each has a different set of strengths and weaknesses, different circumstances and challenges...

As we strive to meet the needs of our children, to rise to the challenges of raising and nurturing the beautiful souls entrusted to us for such a brief time, we learn so much about ourselves. Our weaknesses are revealed and so are our strengths - our children often mirror our attitudes, if not magnify them! And oh boy! what we may see!!!

Have you ever seen an enthusiastic Hawkeye fan - who is all of 4 years old?? Where do you think he gets this? Seriously, I doubt he has personally formed opinions on the offensive line up, or the defense strategies used by the Iowa Hawkeye football coaches - no, he mirrors and adopts, forms an allegiance - even falls in love with that which his parents love, those who his parents follow - it's obvious where the parents stand and you know, this kid will be an inexplicably faithful fan - probably until the day he dies - what an image!

So, can you imagine if his dad was this in love with his Lord and Savior?! If his family surrounded themselves with His word, planned parties and events to honor and celebrate Him - if He was associated with great joy and blessings - can you imagine if a child so fell in love with their Lord that they have no memory of not feeling this way - and when anyone came in to contact with this child, they knew - they knew where his allegiance lies, to whom his heart was devoted? can you imagine? - what an image!

To become the parents our children need, we must be stretched and we must grow, we must be humbled and we must be strengthened and lifted up ~ but most of all, we must be deeply and truly in love with our Lord and Savior. God gave us this task, he most certainly will equip us for it ~ and it seems that He also uses the very children entrusted to us to be a source of growth in us - how very grateful I am for the wonderful lessons we learn from our children <3

i just love spring!!!

As I type, it's raining outside, I can hear a low rumble of thunder in the distance from the awesome storm that just passed - the air has cooled and it smells like rain! The trees glow, the flowers are still wet with rain and ~ my hair is frizzed and there is mud everywhere -and I just love it!

If I could change the calendar I would - Spring is when everything begins ~ perfect and new and full of promise, summer is when the sun burns the hottest and shines the brightest, fall is relief from the heat, and oh so beautiful, even as the flowers wilt and the leaves fall, the days are shorter and things slow down - and then winter, breath-taking beauty!! I love the changes and I love that I've gotten to see it begin again and again 43 times ~ I truly enjoy every season while I'm in it - and yet, I am so tickled to see the next season come in, I am hard pressed to pick a favorite, they just all seem to come at just the right time.

I have loved the seasons of my life with that same passion. Spring ~ I loved the newness of the dating phase with my husband, getting to know one another - that season when we were both still so 'perfect' :b !! And then the season of young children - I suppose this would be summer! Busy and crazy sometimes, young children, new careers - definitely a time you could feel the heat - but wow does the sun shine bright in this season - and oh how I miss those days when they were small ~ but even then I knew the days would fly by so I really tried to savor every moment.

Now, I would say I'm seeing signs of fall ~ so many changes, my firstborn married and setting up a home of her own and the reality that leaving home is just on the horizon for the other three. I love the season I am in, and I dearly wish to slow the hands of time, but I know I am headed for another beautiful season - things will be more quiet around here, but it will have its beauty - and I really love the fall....

hope does float...

I can think of very few things as panic inducing as the fear that you are going to drown - maybe it brings out the other tendency I have which is claustrophobia - regardless - the idea of drowning strikes terror in me.

Ironically - I can swim, but things happen - strong current, big waves, a face full of water, coughing, sputtering, disorientation - all things that can interfere with actually swimming.

However, an interesting reality, you don't need to swim to keep from drowning - you really just need to float - but to float, you must relax, and to relax you must stop surrendering to your fear and focus on what you know. Once you do this, you float - you regain your composure, you catch your breath and you regain your perspective ~ now you can swim, now you can head for shore, now you will be OK.

I think our fears and emotions can assault our sensibilities like big waves, they can pull us along like a current, make us cough and sputter, choking on incorrect thoughts ~ all things that can keep us from actually "swimming" - keep us from heading to solid ground.

So - we need to relax, we need to stop surrendering to the panic and just float - relax in the knowledge that no sin will overtake you (fear is not from God), God has provided a way of escape - remember this and you can float - you can float here while you catch your breath and regain your perspective, you can float here on this promise until you see the way of escape - the way to dry ground, and then you can swim, and you will be OK...