buried alive...

Digging deeper on very personal matters as encouraged in a bible study entitled "Living Beyond Yourself" by Beth Moore I have been challenged time and time again to consider how things really are compared to how I have believed them to be ~ to soul search and be completely honest -and I have prayed that God would not give me peace if I was missing something ~ request granted...

From childhood forward I have learned certain coping mechanisms - ways to handle or deal with pain or disappointment ~ and many instances, maybe even most - I do handle things head on, I generally have a healthy perspective and can put a difficult situation to rest - for good...

But sometimes the wound is so painful or so deep, I can't bring myself to look at it - sometimes I'd rather forget it than face it~ so I just bury it ~ and I've now I've come to realize ~ I bury it alive...

God knew the trials and heartache I would face before He created me, He knows what I need in my life to shape and mould me in to who I am supposed to be ~ knowing this, I can now see how damaging my denial has been ~ failing to even admit to myself that I've been hurt leaves me weakened and vulnerable and unable to find proper perspective in certain relationships...

Having come to this realization, I must confess to the pain of rejection I have faced, I must stop trying to obtain approval from others as though this will bring me peace on the matter ~ what I have buried alive I must briefly unearth so that I may end its life and remove its power once and for all...

I will have scars indeed, but I will treasure every battle wound in the name of freedom ~ freedom in Christ ~ freedom for unhindered growth and fellowship ~ freedom to continue to make new discoveries about my Savior ~ freedom to experience unsurpassed joy - no matter my circumstances ~ freedom from having my very soul, buried alive...